Guidelines
for prospective Tamil Brahmin bridegrooms who wish to marry:
In the course of her quest
to find her soul mate, my daughter has been chatting and sometimes meeting
prospective bridegrooms in an effort to get to know them better. And many times, she has been sorely
disappointed, sometimes by the way the boys showed up, and sometimes by the way
they acted. And since I have been with
her in her so-called quest, I tend to agree with her opinion and think that it
is my duty as a senior citizen to give some advice to the youngsters which may
help them to win over the girl they are interested in. So here goes:
General
physique: As is widely
known, every girl is interested in a smart looking, charming boy who looks like
a film hero. Everyone may not be good looking, but it is a basic requirement
that the boy has a good physique without a beer belly or flabbiness. Therefore
boys, without making excuses, do some exercises, hit the gym and try to look
healthy and strong (six packs not necessary, though). This will also reflect
well in your profile pictures on the matrimonial site, getting you more
responses in turn.
Profile
Pictures: Ideally, four to six recent pictures are required for a
girl to really figure out what a guy looks like – so two close ups, two full
size and two with parents and siblings, in proper lighting should do the trick.
And please, do not project a grumpy, sad or depressed look; a cheerful,
affable, smiling face is always welcome. Also, do not put up photographs with a
scenic background taking up much space with you like a little ant in the
foreground!
While on the subject of
profiles, a well written profile giving adequate details about the boy is
desired. Many profiles are not written well, some have grammatical errors, some
give more details about the father rather than the son and some look as though
the party is not in any great hurry to find a match. The quote “living life
full in the present with an eye on the future” is passé. Some simply say “more
will be updated later”. Why later? I wonder. My advice to the guys is, make
your write up not only unique but interesting to read! A well written profile
is likely to get you more interests than a shabbily written one!
Presentation: At
the first meeting, any girl wants to see a well turned out man, neatly dressed
(not casual jeans and t-shirt please), clean shaven (whoever told you girls
like beard, moustache and unkempt hair?) and with a charming smile on his face.
So whether you are meeting her alone in a café or going to her place with your
parents, make a good note of this. As they say, first impression is the lasting
impression and is as important in getting a wife as in getting a job.
Show
your personality: It
is not enough to have earned good degrees in academics and to have landed a
good job with a handsome salary for a girl to marry you. You need to show your
personality and impress her with your sincerity, care, politeness and charm.
You will have to show her your strengths as well as let her know your
weaknesses, quite frankly and expect the same from her. All girls know that no
man is perfect, and it depends on how you behave in her presence that is likely
to clinch the deal.
Dependency
on parents: Modern girls are not in awe of boys who are overly
dependent on their parents to make decisions for them regarding their future
and perceive it to be a weakness rather than obedience. This is especially seen in boys who have been
with their parents throughout their life and not moved to hostels for studies
or another city for work. My advice to such boys is, try to shift to your own
place after marriage, preferably somewhere near your parents’ home (so that
they are accessible to you and well taken care of by you). In your own place
with your newly-wed, you will become more responsible and independent and this
will give you and your wife the necessary space and opportunity to get to know
each other better in a short time and build up your marriage with a strong bond
of friendship and love, without the parents hovering around.
Chatting
with the girls: When you must chat with a girl, be the
first one to initiate contact and be charming to her, viewing her as a
potential soul mate and not just another one of your friends. Be sure to tell
her of your official commitments and compulsions, if any, if that is going to
affect the chatting time so that she is not offended. It is advisable to have
some fixed timings for chatting and generally stick to it. If you have some
pressing appointment, try to let her know in advance, fixing another suitable
time. Don’t let her be in the dark, waiting for your ping and feeling bad. Girls
like guys who are polite and who stick to their words. Politeness is an important ingredient of
personality which can make or break ties.
Attention: Men usually are so wrapped up in themselves
and their work that they tend to not give the necessary attention to a
potential relationship, until it has reached the final stages. So, if you
intend to get married and are considering it seriously, be sure to give her
quality time, not only talking about yourself and office, but also ask about
her day, her likes and dislikes and what bugs her off or attracts her.
Documents: I think every boy should be prepared to share
details like his detailed educational background, the company he is working
for, the CTC he is presently offered, his future ambitions, in the first
instance itself, in other words, his bio data, as he would submit at the time
of a job application. These are important details without which a marriage
cannot be considered by the girl’s family and most girls’ parents fight shy of
asking such information in detail, leaving it to the last stage. When you have
to do it, why not do it earlier than later?
Others: Any
other important information like past relationships, addictive habits, disease
or physical disability, accidents or traumatic experiences or any thing which
is likely to affect the marriage later should also be shared with the girl’s
family at an earlier date instead of their finding such things after marriage.
Finally, a word for the
parents: A large majority of parents do not consider any proposal, however
suitable they may be, unless the horoscopes match. Earlier people had their own
astrologers and in the absence of girls meeting boys before marriage, this was
resorted to as a means of ascertaining their compatibility. Times have now
changed and we find that despite horoscopes matching well, the boy and the girl
insist on getting to know each other and many times find themselves not well
matched, wasting a lot of time in the process. This is because a lot of other
factors come into picture before a final decision is made. This being the case,
do matching of horoscopes really matter? Parents need to think deeply about
this, as many boys are not finding suitable matches while becoming older as
time passes, as horoscope matching has become the first hurdle to cross before
any progress can be made.
Lastly, a questionnaire
listing all information required to assess each other is very welcome and
should be encouraged. We all love to answer questions on the web to know our
personality, our strengths and suitable career paths as a fun activity (or
sometimes seriously), so why it should not be attempted between the couple, so
that they need not waste precious time in asking one question after another to
get answers? Just imagine, if this
becomes a norm, then both parties will get to know each other so well in such a
short time!
So boys, take a note of all
the above when you meet a girl next time and if you do, I am sure the girl will
be bowled over and you will find your soul mate very soon!
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